Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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