my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
