this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
