Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
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Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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