so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You can't motorboat a personality
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
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Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
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I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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