i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
