i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
