Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
