You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
