the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
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got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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