Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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