I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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