Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
