she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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