As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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