The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
