there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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