I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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