my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
