I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
