If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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