I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
