no, he came in my armpit
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
