I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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