if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
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Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
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She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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