She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
