I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Randomize
