u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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