I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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