i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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