I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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