I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
