i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
