nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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