I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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