Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
