i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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