I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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