so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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