Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
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