You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
