I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
