I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
