it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
