dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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