you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Sext me about skeletons
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
