Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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