Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
