so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
