I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
