I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
