i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
