So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
