As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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