Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
