Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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