I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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